Don’t Be Balanced

Life is often a crazy balancing act. Family, work, school, relationships, hobbies – finding balance somewhere in there is an arduous process.  More often it’s simply a reminder that there’s not enough time to do it all. When I was younger, I used to think that there’d be a time in my future when balance would naturally happen as a result of maturity and life experience. Not so much. The older I got, the more complex and complicated things became. As you’ve probably experienced in your life, along with age comes growth, maturity, and increased responsibility. Add in a spouse, children, a mortgage and, well, there you have it.  You might be able to manage more stuff because you’re all grown up but that doesn’t make life easier.

And so the search for that ever-elusive balance continues. When I’m out of balance, I tire easily. I snap. I lose my temper regularly with the people I love the most. I lose focus on the things that are most important. My priorities are out of whack and I usually start spinning my wheels. You get the idea.

I recently brought this struggle into my time with my spiritual director and as usual he turned it around on me in a very subtle, wise way. Try this one on: he said as far as he can see there’s no reference to “balance” in the scriptures. I had to stop and think about that. No mention. Not in the Gospels, Proverbs, anywhere.

He described that if I’m holding 50 lbs in my right hand and 150 lbs in my left then balance is shifting the excess weight from my left to my right hand. The problem with balance is that either way I adjust the weight, I’m still holding 200 lbs. Balance simply forces me to continue to bear whatever immense weight I’m holding, just in a different way. Balance might give me the illusion of rest as I shift weight from one set of muscles to the next but I’m really just using different muscles. The result is a subtle, growing fatigue as I choose to focus on whatever weight is demanding the most of my energy in the moment.

He went on to describe that while there’s no mention of balance there is a great deal of talk in the Bible about “rhythm.” In a super-short explanation of a massive Biblical theme, he outlined that we see God creating the earth in six days, resting on the seventh. Sabbath. Then, every seven years, the nation of Israel was to observe Shmita or a Sabbatical year where there was to be no planting, plowing, growing, or reaping. Rest for the land, rest for the workers. Then, every seven Sabbatical years (yes, that’s forty-nine years) no work was to be done, land borrowed and sold was returned to its original owners, and slaves were set free. The year of Jubilee. Rhythm. It’s all there in Leviticus.

Now, I’ve heard this Sabbath and Jubilee stuff before but never put in these terms: If rhythm is God’s process for restoring creation, his personal and preferred method for creativity, production, and work in the things that he made and the people that follow him then shouldn’t it exist in my own life? I know I’m supposed to take a Sabbath and I usually do. But beyond observing a day of rest, what is all this talk about rhythm in the Bible supposed to look like day to day, hour to hour?

Back to the metaphor. Rhythm is putting down all 200 lbs for a period of time so that you’re holding nothing. Put it down. Empty your hands. Hold nothing. Engaging your faith in this process means trusting that when it’s time to go back and pick up your 200 lbs that it’ll still be there waiting for you. Here are the personal applications I’m working on. It’s not rocket science:

1. Work hard when it’s time to work. Stop working when it’s time to stop working.
2. Grazing on technology at home takes away from family and real-life relationships.
3. Put everything down – One hour a day, one day a week, one weekend a quarter, one week a year.

I’m finding that rhythm is a discipline. But its rhythm, not balance, that restores the soul.

Turns out, I don’t want balance at all. I want rhythm.

Where in your life do you need to create rhythm rather than pursue balance? What rhythms do you have that restore your soul?

If rhythm is anything like physical exercise, you know what happens when you’re rested and recovered? You come back stronger. After putting everything down, when it comes time to go back and pick it up, you might just find you’ll be able to comfortably lift 300 lbs. Just remember to put it back down again.

Give Your Family the First 30 Minutes

Give your family the first 30 minutes of your time as soon as you walk in the door

Reconnecting with my family at the end of the day is difficult for me. When I come home after work, I fly through the door with a million things on my mind that usually have to do with what I didn’t get done that day. I love walking in the door and having my son run to meet me but, confession time, sometimes I’m not all that present. As I’m thinking about things I didn’t get done that day sometimes I’ll even make notes about things I’ll try to catch up on later in the evening after dinner. A friend shared a little bit of wisdom and challenged me to spend the first 30 minutes after walking through the door reconnecting with my family. That means the bag goes on the floor, the computer and phone stay off, and the DVR goes unchecked. It also usually means hitting the floor and playing with Thomas the Tank Engine and hearing about all the adventures Greyson had at “school” (a few hours of daycare) that day. Thirty minutes of uninterrupted time also serves to help right my priorities – 30 usually turns into many more as the stress of the day melts away and the joy of being present takes over.

Your kids may be younger or older than mine but they need us dads and moms to be present with them at the end of a long day – something that gets increasingly more difficult as life becomes increasingly more complex.

Thirty minutes. It’s a start…at least before the chores start, dinner needs preparing, and the dog needs walking. What rituals or methods to reconnect with your family do you have around your home? From one parent to another, I’d love to hear.

“Should You Take Your Child Someplace Dangerous?” by Elton Sherwin

The following post is by Elton Sherwin (pictured above), a great leader and parent at MPPC who is part of the Mexicali 2012 leadership team:

Should you take your child someplace where the water is not safe, where they could be injured far from an English-speaking doctor and where the police might take bribes?

Yes.

And it might save their life when they are a teenager.

My wife Katharine and I have gone on four church mission trips with our daughters: twice to Mexico and twice to Guatemala. Our first trip was a short hop across the border to Juarez for two days. Twenty-one children, twenty parents and one grandparent built two “houses.”  The homes had three rooms, each 12 feet by 12 feet.  Our younger daughter had just turned seven.

I don’t know which was scarier: watching her climb up on the roof with a hammer or run around playing with barefoot children who lived in cardboard boxes in the desert.

She is now a senior in high school and we just returned from a church mission trip outside of Mexicali.  These two busloads of teens have a changed view of life.  They are less concerned about designer jeans. They are less worried about their problems—which somehow seem smaller.

How can short trips like these save your child’s life? How can trips that immerse our children into a world with less safety and comfort actually protect them? Because it builds compassion and it builds character. Because it inoculates them from consumerism. Because it helps protect them from depression.

Is playing on an unpaved Mexicali road actually safer than the keys to your car on a Saturday night?

Take your child someplace dangerous and find out.

Elton Sherwin is a venture capitalist investing in “clean tech” companies.  His first book, The Silicon Valley Way, describes how to develop a business plan on a napkin and an elevator pitch on the back of a business card.  Translated into Chinese, Korean and Japanese, it is widely used around the world by entrepreneurs and business schools. Elton’s new book, Addicted to Energy, is a venture capitalist’s perspective on how to save our economy and our climate. Written as a letter to a fictional governor, it describes practical steps that governments, businesses, and individuals can take to lower their energy consumption. Mr. Sherwin regularly speaks at conferences and occasionally guest lectures at Stanford University. He is a graduate of the University of California at Berkeley and has been granted eight patents from the U.S. Patent Office.

A Parent’s Report on Mexicali Missions Trip, 2012

The following post is a report from Janet Perez (pictured above), a fantastic leader and parent at MPPC who served on the Mexicali Missions Trip team last week:

Well, we are back!  We had a fabulous time! Thanks for all your prayers. We saw God at work in the joy of serving, and the hard work of serving! The students focused on loving the Mexican kids in the villages, learning to be selfless in giving of themselves, and giving hope for the situations the Mexicans found themselves in.

The students rode to the border on buses, and I, with several adults, flew to San Diego. From there we drove rented 15-passenger vehicles down to the border, picked up the kids and the luggage and drove to our hotel about an hour or so south of the border. We had the run of the hotel, a two-story C-shaped building with a huge middle courtyard. We parked, cooked, ate, fellowshipped and worshipped in that courtyard.  The group of 113 was divided into 5 groups, each of which was assigned to a different church in 5 villages within an hour’s drive from the hotel. We had construction crews, kid’s program crews, women’s ministry crews and translators in each village.

Each day we would have breakfast together then take off for the villages in the vans. We would work all day, then return to have dinner, worship and a speaker in the evening. We were challenged to practice reliance on Jesus, not on our own strength and love.

On Wednesday all of the village church families were invited to the largest church in our group for a BBQ and fun evening. It was a delight to have us all in one place!

In their villages, Steven helped hang sheet rock and play with the niños and niñas, David helped demolish a building and also play with the children. I hung out with the women and the children in my village, and participated in teaching Bible studies with the women of the church. We all were encouraged by each other! I am very grateful for the translators we brought along. They were great–and I needed a lot of help!

One of the prayer requests below was for the Tuesday pastors’ lunch. Oh, it was a precious time. The pastors felt safe to share stories of the difficulties in their ministries. They found common ground, and the truth of God’s grace in the midst of it all.

No real mishaps happened, and there was a minimum of illness in the camp! Our travels went well, and we felt carried along by God’s kind love and life–and humor!

If you would like to see pictures, Elton Sherwin and Michael Dittmar have many posted on their Facebook photo album (if you know them), or you can look at Matt  blog: mattinmenlo.com.

Thanks again for your kind support and timely prayers!

Janet, Steven and David

Janet sits on the MPPC High School and Middle School Ministry’s parent Vision and Support Team which provides key guidance, wisdom, and direction for student ministries. Steven and David Perez are a senior and sophomore respectively at Menlo-Atherton High.

Hurting Kids: Tough Issues That Exist on Every High School Campus

Heads up – this is a difficult post. If you spend enough time with high schoolers, enough to dig below the surface, you know that many students are dealing with some very serious struggles, pain, and trauma. If you’re a leader, parent, teacher, or serve in any role dedicated to nurturing the development of students, then you’ve probably found yourself in a situation where a student reveals to you a very difficult situation they’re dealing with. When this happens, here are few things to consider:

1. You are blessed to be considered a safe person by a student.
2. That student is blessed to have you as a safe person.
3. You need to consider and know how to respond.

My good friend and former co-worker, Julie Barrios (http://metamorphablog.com/ & @juliebarrios) is the Director of Care for Student Ministries at Mariners Church and holds an MA in Spiritual Direction from Talbot Theological Seminary. A few years ago, she shared with our staff a list she made of difficult issues that exist on every high school campus. Even if you’ve been involved in the lives of students for years and have come across these issues, the list is alarming when you see it all in one place. Julie shared with our staff that one of the reasons why we need to be aware of the presence of these issues is so that if/when a student confides in us, we can respond appropriately in the moment. In Julie’s experience, when we’re aware of what’s out there then we can respond with a level head and appropriate compassion and empathy, not surprise or alarm. So here’s the list:

Bulimia, Anorexia, Depression, Bipolar, Borderline, Schizophrenia, Dissociative Identity, ADD, ADHD, Anxiety, Learning Disabilities, Pornography, Masturbation, Sexual Activity, Alcohol and Drug Abuse, Prescription Drug abuse, Gambling Addiction, Shoplifting/Stealing, Cutting, Occultist Practice, Being an Abuser or Perpetrator, Abuse: Physical/Sexual/Emotional/Verbal, Rape, Neglect, Suicidal thoughts and ideation, Loneliness, Abandonment, Bullying, Body Image, Rejection, Death/Loss, Divorce/Separation, Sibling issues, Pressure from Parents/Difficult family dynamics, Anger, Numbness/Withdrawal, Pregnancy, Abortion, Sickness, Atheism, Agnosticism, Anger with God, Fear of God, Dreams/Nightmares, Negative Spiritual Experiences.

Overwhelming. And you can probably think of 10 more. There are 2 keys that I can think of: the first is knowing how to respond.

Often, the best response is to be a great listener. We can empathize by extending grace and compassion to hurting kids. Just knowing that they’re not alone, that someone cares and is willing to walk with them through difficult circumstances can be life-giving.

Other issues require asking for help. Most of us in student ministry are not mental health professionals and there are serious limitations to our training when it comes to dealing with severe trauma or pain.  We may need to communicate with parents or even make a call to Child Protective Services or local police depending on the severity of the issue. Depending on the laws in your state, if your full-time job involves working directly with teenagers then you’re most likely a mandated reporter when it comes to issues of abuse. This post is not legal or professional counseling advice by any means but my best personal advice is:

1. When something serious comes up, share it confidentially with your supervisor and come up with a plan.
2. Build a trusted relationship with a local licensed mental health professional. Consult with that professional any time you have even the smallest question related to the health, safety, and well-being of an adolescent.
3. Most counties’ Child Protective Services offer free, anonymous phone consultations. Find that phone number for your area.

The second key is prayer. Psalm 147:3 tells us that God “…heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Isaiah gives us an amazing list of what God cares about in chapter 61: binding up the brokenhearted, freedom for captives, release from darkness for prisoners, comfort to all who mourn, oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. God clearly has a huge spot in his heart for broken and hurting people and offers not only healing but growth and restoration. The HUGE task before us is to never stop lifting up hurting students to the God of the brokenhearted.

When a student approaches us with a serious issue, let’s be aware of what’s out there. And let’s never stop responding, advocating, and praying.

If You Really Knew Me…

It’s a simple sentence fragment. It’s up to you to finish it. If you lead a small group or you’re a parent, it has the potential to take your group or relationship with your kids to a whole other level.

Monday, our high school ministry staff volunteered as small group facilitators for Challenge Day at Menlo-Atherton High School. If you’re unfamiliar with this incredible organization, check them out HERE.

Challenge Day is best known for their hallmark statement,”If you really knew me…” They even have their own SHOW on MTV.

Here’s the way this segment of the day works: after a series of icebreakers, students and adult leaders break up into small groups. Sitting knee to knee in chairs, leaders and facilitators set a tone of openness and vulnerability by revealing to the group a truth about themselves. Students then respond with a statement of their own. Safety guidelines and confidentiality are in place (i.e., facilitators and students are aware that all statements are confidential unless an issue like abuse is revealed and must be reported. Counselors are on site to handle these situations). The group’s response is vital to the success of the exercise:

1. Don’t give advice.
2. Don’t view the statement as a problem to be solved.
3. Simply provide space for each student to share and LISTEN.

Statements usually start out on the surface level but quickly move deeper.

Here’s what I mean (from 2 real statements I shared about myself):”If you really knew me then you would know that I love to break up pop-tarts in a bowl, add milk, and eat it like cereal.” Pretty weird (and awesome) but unique to me. After one round and funny, unique revelations from students, I went deeper:”If you really knew me then you would know that even after all these years I mourn the loss of my youngest brother daily and most mornings I wake up thinking of him.”

See what I mean? Students responded. I was overwhelmed with the courage and authenticity of students as they opened up in ways many expressed they never had before. EVERY student has a story. It’s not surprising that many stories often include not only great victories and blessings but also hurt, pain, and brokenness. An overwhelming number of students have dealt with loss, pain, prejudice, racism, alienation, victimization, violence, depression, bullying, disease, on and on. Many suffer in silence, unaware that anyone cares or too afraid to share what’s really going on inside.

The vision of Challenge Day is that every child lives in a world where they feel safe, loved, and celebrated. I found an old truth at play in the gymnasium on Monday: by knowing and being known in a place that values authenticity and safety, students are dying to talk about more than just sports, Xbox, shopping, and The Office with caring, non-judgmental adults and peers. And when they do, safety, love, and celebration are a natural result.

“If you really knew me…” It’s a simple, fun, and thought provoking exercise. Katie and I have been using it around the dinner table. If you’re a small group leader, parent, spouse, or friend, try it this week.

P.S. There are suggested ways to bring Challenge Day to your local high school HERE.

GUEST POST: A Great Youth Ministry Concept

Here’s a post from my good friend Jim Candy. His article was recently published in YouthWorker Journal – print version only -  and he was kind enough to agree to be a guest post-er, so here’s the online version:

Getting Practical on Family Ministry – “Community Parents”

Family ministry can be frustrating because it is a target that is constantly moving.  While there is consensus about the importance of ministering to families, there are few practical ideas about how to engage in it with consistency.

Our church was haunted for years trying to work with families until we bumped into an idea that we call “Community Parents.”  While this idea doesn’t solve the family ministry “problem,” it is a practical, effective way to minister to families. The story of how we developed Community Parents is helpful for understanding its value.

I was in my sixth year as director of middle school ministries in a large church, and I was feeling quite smug.  Kids were “showing up,” we had many volunteers and my senior pastor thought highly of me.  Life was good.  Then I had a surprising conversation. “Your volunteer leaders aren’t actually making much of a difference in kids’ lives,” said a mom who was notorious for telling me the truth, even if it was painful.  “How do you know your leaders are actually spending time with kids, getting past the surface-level and moving them toward Christ?” “I’m sure they are,” I replied defensively, but with confidence.  “We’ve got great leaders.” “But how do you really know?” she countered.  “They are good people, but that doesn’t mean they are actually pursuing kids and families well.” She challenged me to spend a few weeks interviewing parents to see if our leaders were providing meaningful support for their families.  Did our volunteers really know kids and families or were they just chaperones at church programs?  I was confident my interviews would show that we were strong in this area – knowing people and walking alongside them toward Christ was the emphasis of our ministry. I was wrong.

Almost every parent reported that, not only were our leaders not connecting with kids outside of our programmed time, the parents had never met them or received a phone call.

The kids enjoyed coming to our programs, but they weren’t really connecting at a deep level with leaders. Hearing that from our parents stung.  I started questioning my own leadership.  Was I just running an entertaining sideshow program that kids merely attended? I asked our volunteer leaders about it.  I had made our hopes and expectations clear.  Why were they not really getting to know our kids?  Some leaders reported they were intimidated to talk to parents, others admitted to laziness, but most said they lacked time.  Everyone wants to spend time meaningful time with kids, but, in practice, they couldn’t find time to do it. Sound familiar?

Our team started wrestling with this.  How can we help our volunteer leaders become incarnational ministers of Jesus Christ, not just program chaperones?

We needed something practical that could help them, not make them feel more defeated. Then one day I went on a walk with Joe. Joe was a 19-year-old college student who loved Jesus and his small group of seventh graders.  He had great potential to make an impact on kids and families, but Joe had a problem.  Like many young guys I know, Joe was so disorganized he could hardly coordinate combing his hair in the morning let alone call his kids, talk to their parents, arrange times to get together and get a vision for how he could minister to them.  I have to admit, I was stumped on how to help him. “I’ll help Joe,” volunteered a mom named Ingrid whose son was in Joe’s group. “I wouldn’t make a great small group leader myself, but I’m great at arranging things and can encourage Joe.” Within the next week, Joe found himself at a local homeless shelter serving alongside eight kids from his group – all arranged by Ingrid.  After that, a funny thing happened.  Ingrid had helped “break the ice” for Joe and now he could communicate with families in a better way.  He just needed a little push. I was excited.  Wow…  I wish every small group could have a parent like Ingrid.  Then it hit me….  Why couldn’t they?

The idea of Community Parents was born.  I wrote up a job description and started asking parents in each of our small groups if they could support our volunteers as Ingrid had helped Joe.  I was amazed at how quickly parents were eager to be engaged and help.  Like many youth ministries, we really had no significant roles for parents to play.  I discovered that parents are hungry for important and meaningful roles. Soon, we had a parent for every small group who was helping the volunteer leader connect outside of our program time with the kids in their small groups.  It was a great win. But it was just the beginning.  When I arrived in the Silicon Valley at my current church, some entrepreneurial moms took the idea and vastly improved upon it.  Helping the volunteer is a great idea, but why stop there?

What if parents could minister, not only to the volunteer leader, but to other families in the small group as well?  The idea was simple but brilliant: find a parent in each small group who would care for the volunteer and minister to the families of kids in that small group by helping create meaningful connections between the families.

It was an intriguing idea but, I have to admit, it made me a little nervous.  I don’t have time to manage one more “program.”  Fortunately, our parents were so passionate about the idea that two moms volunteered to recruit, help train and communicate with all of our community parents.

The Community Parent has a simple but key job description:

1. Work with the leader to help facilitate the relationship between kids and volunteer leaders.
2. Help communicate with all the families of the small group about what is going on in the ministry and with their group.
3. Help call and welcome the families of new kids who join the small group.
4. Create community among the families of kids in the small group by arranging gathering times together and fostering meaningful relationships.

The beauty is that we are just now discovering what a great ministry Community Parents can be.  Like any ministry volunteer, Community Parents need vision and training about ministry philosophy, kids and their culture and the goal of youth ministry. Great stories are emerging of friendships created, volunteer leaders supported and families being reached out to.  Our volunteer small group leaders absolutely love it – now they have a connection to all the families of the group who can help them navigate those relationships and connect with their kids.

What would your ministry look like if there was a simple way, like adopting the Community Parents concept, to engage the larger parent community in caring for volunteers as they care for students?

- Jim Candy is the Pastor of Family Life Ministries at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church on the San Francisco Peninsula. He’s been in full-time youth and family ministry for 16 years, holds a Masters of Divinity from Fuller Theological Seminary, and is ordained in the PCUSA.

We Were All in High School Once

Recently, our High School Ministry had the privilege of working with our graduating 12th graders to run all the worship services on June 5th/6th at Menlo Park Presbyterian’s main campus at 950 Santa Cruz Ave.  You can catch up with more of the story in previous posts below and watch students share about their journey’s with Christ.

From my end, each worship service following students’ stories, I had the opportunity to teach on why I’ve never been more concerned and why I’ve never been more hopeful for this generation of students.  Here’s how the Church can make a difference in the lives of countless young people:

High School Senior Weekend Stories, Part 2

Here are some more amazing faith stories from our High School students during Senior Weekend – the previous video was at the 9:30am service and this video is from the 11:00am service. Check out the previous post for the full story on the Senior Weekend.   Still amazed at the courage and authenticity of these students as they shared their highs and lows, victories and struggles, as they walk with God through High School.

High School Senior Weekend Stories, Part 1

Recently, our High School Ministry had the privilege of working with our graduating 12th graders to run all the worship services on June 5th/6th at Menlo Park Presbyterian’s main campus at 950 Santa Cruz Ave.  Our student musicians and main service leader, Tim Williams, led worship while other students had an opportunity to share their lives and stories by way of testimony or short interviews with their small group leaders.  The words that kept coming to my mind were ‘courageous’ and ‘authentic.’   Students were authentic and courageous in sharing areas of their lives where they’ve experienced ups and downs, hurt and brokenness – they were also amazingly open and real in sharing the ways God has guided, protected, healed, and restored them.  I was very encouraged and inspired in my own walk with God and left the weekend incredibly hopeful for a generation of kids.